empty sinkhole
Friday, May 10, 2013 @ Friday, May 10, 2013
As much as I want this to be perfect, it's not.
Your old words mean so much to me. It makes me think of someone else, an off colour memory like a vintage photograph. In my haste, I feel like I wasted my feelings on you for the first month we were together. You were never that into me then. I should have saved them for a time where I really needed them.
Like now.
Sometimes when I think of you, I shut off and stare at one spot in the corner of my room. The memories come back and sadly, it feels like I'm watching someone else. Happiness never felt more real back then. To find out you lied drains the colour out of every good thing we've ever had.
I have this inability to think of you and feel happy right now.
Endless scenarios keep replaying themselves in my head.
You. Someone else.
It dawned on me, perhaps I've just agreed to making myself miserable for the next few months. It's like I shook hands with this inner chaos and welcomed it into my heart to stay for a long time. I'm insecure to begin with and I'll be even more insecure from now on. I wouldn't say that I'll always remember those words I read but everytime I see you, those bad memories will resurface to cause me pain again.
You. Someone else.
It dawned on me, perhaps I've just agreed to making myself miserable for the next few months. It's like I shook hands with this inner chaos and welcomed it into my heart to stay for a long time. I'm insecure to begin with and I'll be even more insecure from now on. I wouldn't say that I'll always remember those words I read but everytime I see you, those bad memories will resurface to cause me pain again.
I'm reading our conversations. There's literally nothing there. We speak like old friends, nothing more. Open your eyes to see. No spark, no attraction anymore.
I told myself that I will work to make this work and we can try.
But ultimately, I'm in this world alone.
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