Spent half of the time in cca practice outside on the hard concrete ground, talking over bottles of breezer with edwin, yaoxing and danial. Spent the next half in the cca clubroom jamming and listening to music with them. It was a good night in school. One night to lepak before I have to get back to rehearsals for the impressario competition.

I'm stressed but all I want to do is deliver a solid performance. Of course, I want to win but if we don't, I won't kill myself.

One thing I'm super glad about is that me and jm are getting somewhere with music. In this duo, I'm the one giving less than she's given me but I'm glad that she's stringing me along on this ride. Heh. I'm getting more experience performing on stage and getting more confident about my voice. Hopefully, after this competition is over, we can finally go back to doing covers and recording some of her original songs.

It's a nice thing to move forward, even if it's just a little bit.

Songs I'm listening to now

1 day old hate - city and colour
2 paradise - coldplay
3 memories - panic at the disco
4 contagious chemistry - you me at six
5 tip of my tongue - the civil wars

I've decided that I'm going to write down everything nice that's ever happened this year and put it into a box so that when I feel sad, I can look at it and not feel like a complete loser. It's already march so that means a quarter of the year has gone by. What am I doing with my life?

My sister bought watercolours for me when I said I wanted to learn how to paint with watercolours. She's getting sweeter and becoming nicer towards me when I feel like I'm neglecting her and my family much more recently because I'm paying much more attention to my friends.

I had a much longer post than this. There were a lot of other things I wanted to say but I feel that rather than posting them and releasing hate into the world, I'll just keep it as a draft. I must let go of these ugly emotions.

Here's to tomorrow, not yesterday.

I'm currently on a bus that I have never taken before. It was on impulse. Just the same reason why I bought a new book.

Slowly, as I'm getting more familiar with places in singapore, everything is slowly coming together to form one giant picture.

I wish I could just get on buses drop off wherever I want to and just explore for a bit.

If only the weather weren't such a bitch.
If only I had more money for transport.
If only I had more time.

Been spending more time alone lately. I foresee this becoming a regular thing because my cash is slowly depleting away and the boy's having his internship.

Maybe I'll stay go out one day, just to have an adventure with my camera. There are a lot of things that you don't notice when you're with someone else. Part of your attention gets taken by that person and you're less aware of your surroundings.

I see so many pretty things when I'm alone.

I start to type and then backspace when I feel like the meaning of the sentence is not going in the direction I intended it to. I firmly believe that words, whether spoken or written, should have meaning behind them. I truly feel that people should hold their tongues more. If people were as careless as you with their words, the world would be a much unhappier place than it already is.

It's here again. I start to welcome that feeling like a cold, familiar friend. The old friend that you intensely dislike but know so well. It starts slowly. One tiny comment that sets me off, I'm not angry or sad but I let it eat away at me till it conquers me. I change. I find it addictive to infect him with my unhappiness. Whether it was his intention to make me angry does not matter. All I want to do is to make someone feel as terrible as I do, in this moment.

It's 3am and I'm starting to question why I even need sleep like everrrr.

It's at this timing that I usually start to get weird thoughts. I get sad that I can't listen to and appreciate every good song that's ever been made out there. Now I'm thinking about how many songs I have committed to memory. Is there an infinite space for memories that we keep?

Stop thinking, Jasmine.

It's gone and made me sad. I was angry that I could ever give that much of myself to anyone. In the beginning, I was wishing and praying so hard for at least some sense of control over my feelings. It was like someone had tossed me into the ocean and I was just thrashing about in the waves, moved by the current against my will while I'm trying to find something to hold onto. All I wanted to do was think of you a little less. Sometimes it felt like I was going insane. I saw you in my head too much, too often. I needed just a bit of sanity to hold on to but it never came. Slowly, I let myself dissolve into you, let myself drown in those emotions. You told me it was okay.

It's starting to wane away, that insanity. Passion. Lust. Lunacy. Whatever you want to call it, I feel it going away, like the fading light when night comes. Which is not to say that I don't love you anymore. It's going to be okay in the end, I believe in that whole-heartedly. All I'm doing now is waiting, waiting for that storm to come. As scary as it sounds, I want to feel unhinged and demented in love again.

Life has made me into a cynic. It gave me a wicked, twisted sense of love.

"Love is patient. Love is kind."

No one says love is terrible. But it is. It's crazy. It's letting go. Trusting someone so much that they can do whatever they want with your feelings. They twist and tug and you're hurt but you don't feel the pain, just cause you're so into them. Everything they do feels good. No one tells you that love can turn you into a monster. It makes you conflicted, wondering why someone you've given your heart to can still rip into you like the caustic words of your worst enemy. You wonder why they cause the greatest harm, the deepest scars, when they're supposed to make you happy. Love is ugly. It's us being the absolute worst version of ourselves but still being loved by someone because they remember that you're actually pretty awesome most of the time. Love is fear. Worrying if you're enough, if you keep them happy, if they want more or if they want something different. It's terrifying.

And I'm not talking about crushes, by the way.

Love is the mutual understanding that you care deeply for each other. It's the stories from your childhood that you told him. Like the time that your uncle called you fat when you were 11 and you just ran into the room crying. It's the moment that you clear the lump in your throat, take a deep breath and spill your secrets. It's the warmth you get when he takes your hand when it's cold. It's their scent. It's recognising the different kinds of smiles they have. It's prodding them when they're sad and need someone to ask them if they're alright so it won't seem like they're burdening you with their problems. It's seeing the physical part of them melt away until all you see is goodness on the inside. Love is knowing that there are a million ways to tell someone you love them. It's when you press your faces together, so close that the other person becomes a blur of colours and you can't focus on anyone part of them. All you can do is feel their closeness.

It's a whole spectrum of emotions. It's imperfect and flawed because humans love and humans are imperfect and flawed. Love is something that I don't want to think about anymore. It's burnt up my last brain cell and I'm so goddamn tired from thinking, being sad, wanting to cry and typing all this out. Hell knows if it even makes sense to anyone at all.

It's so late/early that I can hear birds outside the window.

End of February.

The closing of my favourite month of the year. Good shit happens in February. At least, to me. But I've had to deal with some things as well.

This month has taught me to cling to my friends and people who love me. Now that it's the holidays, I can finally give them my undivided attention. It's a weird sort of feeling. I wanna just hug all of them at once, hug them so hard that they just disappear inside my chest and stay in my heart. It's an odd way of saying I love them.

My birthday was awesome thanks to them. Danial, Halal Pork Club plus Wee, Jam Bread and Tea, Sze Eng. I honestly don't wanna type all of my birthday stuff out because I tend to keep happy things to myself so that I can bask in happiness till it wears off.

In addition to that, I've also learnt that there are certain people in this world who are truly mean and not worth loving. Cowardly, lying, self-pitying, tantrum throwing child with a warped idea of what love is. You will never know what being truly sorry means. You fuck up, apologise, get forgiven and then screw them over again. Nope, it doesn't work like that.

I let someone in, only to have them look around and stab me in the heart when I wasn't looking. I hope I'll never be so blind and careless with my heart again.

Thank god, I have Danial now.

Done with my rant.
Back to other trivial matters.

My money is depleting. I'm upset. I'm left with less than a hundred dollars in my bank acc. I will start saving already. Thank god. I'm still left with money from cny in ringgit. But I'm gonna change it into money to spend for my macau/china/hongkong trip in march! I'm excited :)

It makes me kinda afraid that we're falling into routine. I don't know why I need you with me all the time but I do. Maybe it's killing us from the inside. It's alright, internship will force us apart and teach us a thing or two on what it's really like to miss someone. 10 more days, sweetheart.

I'm boring. I need to find something to so again. I'm gonna pick up writing again and start cooking. Also run more with Gab and JM. I can fucking do this. Maybe I'll pick up an interest in serial killers too. Not like being one, just reading about their cases. Sounds fun enough.

I'm easily influenced and I've started to pick up some of the terms that the boy has been using. We're starting to sound alike #ohno

I've been struggling for self-control for quite some time now. I'm way too indulgent. Been giving in to my emotions and temptations. I want a firm grip on my feelings. I can handle myself, I just need to learn how. I will not be afraid anymore.

I think I've accepted that I'm a little but psychotic and awkward at times. Which makes a stellar combination. As you can clearly see. I'm kidding, if you didn't get it (but no, really. I'm fucking awesome)

7 is a lucky number.
It's been good to us.
Let's make 8 great.
Ha, it rhymed.