TEDx Youth day was inspirational. Initially, I was dreading spending 8 hours listening to series of boring talks. It was mandatory attendance for everyone in my course so I just grit my teeth and went along with it.


But TEDx was different. The talks by all the speakers made me realise different things. They taught me to free my mind, not to be afraid to be different and to never stop dreaming. These were things I had always been telling myself since I was a little girl. Slowly, you lose track of these things. Not because you don't believe in them anymore but because the monotony of daily life really starts to make you realise how ordinary you are.

As a child, most of us taught that money is the thing you are supposed to work forward to. It doesn't have to be something you like, it just has to make you a lot of money. This is especially evident in an asian society. Parents encourage their children to excel in school rather than asking them to put in effort for things that we really love.

I remember as a child my parents used to bring me to ballet and piano lessons. I was interested at first only because it was something new. Soon the novelty wore off and I discovered that I never liked ballet or piano. In a ballet class full of skinny tiny petite girls, I was the only tall chubby girl there. I felt like a fat lumbering elephant. And we all know elephants can't dance right? I didn't like it at all. Piano on the other hand was a chore.

I did however have a passion for writing. I'm sure my parents were aware of this but they never suggested writing classes for me. They were willing to fork out $90 a month for guitar lessons though. I really do appreciate the things they do for me and love them to bits but I just don't agree with the way they do things.

Something I took away from the talk:
"Your best career is an expression of yourself." 

I love this quote. I mean, your job is something that you have to commit to. What's the point of working a job that you hate? Okay, maybe the pay's good but money can only buy you temporary happiness. Why not do something you can actually enjoy? You can go to work happy everyday and guess what, you can even make money from it! Tell me which sounds better?

My weaknesses
With their ugly faces
on a day to day basis
Stay calm and try to see this
I’m always sensitive relaxing
Always delicately asking
But I can’t seem to fly away
Felling dull, small, shaking and all
And all I want do is cry, fly away
Felling dull, small, shaking and all
And all I want to do is say

- Weaknesses, Blue October. 

Moral of Little Red Riding Hood: Children, especially attractive, well bred young ladies, should never talk to strangers, for if they should do so, they may well provide dinner for a wolf. I say "wolf," but there are various kinds of wolves. There are also those who are charming, quiet, polite, unassuming, complacent, and sweet, who pursue young women at home and in the streets. And unfortunately, it is these gentle wolves who are the most dangerous ones of all.

- Stories or Fairy Tales from Past Times: Tales of Mother Goose

I have to watch out for gentle wolves. Maybe he isn't playing games but as lovely as he is, he has too great a hold on me. What's scary is that even though he might have pure intentions, he can still swallow me whole and chew me to pieces because I've left my heart open for him to do so.

I think I might be addicted to hurting the people who make me smile. They make it so easy for me too. It's almost too simple to take the things I know about them to use against them. It's so sick but somehow it makes me feel better. It's selfish to want to bring down someone when you're so unhappy yourself but that's pretty much what I do. Manipulative, selfish bitch. I can feel you slipping from me so I push even harder.

Just let me see how long you can hold on. Do you still want to? 

I'll tell you how I love to hurt. It's fucked up right? No, you say, I can handle it. My heart calms but only for a while. I'll stay as long as I can, you tell me. Your reassurance barely lasts. Before soon, I'll have turned around and gone right back to square one. I'm still haunted my the negative possibilities, plagued by them like an illness. Your words, your hands wiping away tears would have been for nothing. I never change and you're stuck in this cycle until we finally break.

I think all my problems stem from one simple simple thing.
But I'd rather not share here.
How could I have not seen it sooner?

I'm going to forgive myself for past mistakes. I'm going to let myself move on with a smile on my face and not punish myself for things that were beyond my control. If it's my fault, I'll accept it and set myself free. Holding on to hate will poison me, slowly and surely.

I've been wondering about this for a while. Did fate have it sorted that we would meet like this? Did she see that we'd end up this way since the beginning? Perhaps we came together only because we were meant to fall apart soon. I won't forget anything you've done for me. You're always there and I need you. Did you ever question whether we were feeding each other the wrong things? It's always fresh on my mind.

"I am what he needs?
 Psychotic and insecure.
 No one needs that.
 He doesn't either,
 even if he wants it. 
Maybe I should leave now."

I need a break. A break would be nice.

I'm tired of seeing people shoving the blame onto others. Come on, you're not a fucking victim in all this. It's always a two way thing. You can't say that your experiences are the reason you're all fucked up. How do you deal with it? Stop being a fucking pussy and use those bad things to say, "I've been through this shit and I'm gonna learn from it." You're not doing that. All you're saying is, "I'm miserable because I let other people make me miserable and all I'm able to do is whine about it." 

I knew you weren't strong enough for me to lean on.

Life's been pretty uneventful since school's started. I've been getting little sleep thanks to CCA so I'm coming home exhausted every night. It seems like I'll get a breather once the concert is over but I doubt it. I know there's waves of CAs coming my way soon and I'll have to buck up if I want to pull up my gpa. Funny thing is that I told myself that I was going to come home early once school started.

I'm getting a clearer picture of what I'm like to people. I'm not as horribly awkward as I think I am but I feel absolutely dreadful in social situations. They make me a wreck. I'm still awkward though, but I've come to terms with it.



We had our pre-prep for the concert at Black Box today and it was a long long ordeal. I'm going to bring card games or something to while the time away tomorrow. I'm pretty excited for tomorrow actually. Ate pepper lunch for, well, lunch, and then we had Astons for dinner. Then parted from the group and followed the boy to Kampong Glam to take photos for his school assignment.

Spent a good amount of time talking with him. It's been a while since we've had one of those long conversations about our feelings and thoughts and junk like that. I didn't realise how much I've missed those talks. And I told him something that had been on my mind for quite a while. Until now, I still find it difficult to explain why I like him so much. I can say things like he's funny and he's smart but I've just realised that the best answer would be because of the way I feel when I'm with him. Safe, loved, understood, cared for, completely at ease, happy.

Leaving you with instagram shots of today!

Just came home from work.
It wasn't even tiring, it was just really really boring.
I'm going to dread working in the afternoons for the next few months.
But I need the money so I've got no choice.

School's started. It's been 3 days. I've suddenly been reminded how annoying 8am lessons are when I'm desperately clinging to my bed in the morning. It should be illegal to wake up before the sun even rises. Midnight's approaching and I'm heading to bed now so I can save myself tomorrow.

School is from 8am to 8pm tomorrow.
*cue hopeless laughter*
Long day with conflicting commitments.
I'll decide what to do when the time comes.
Good night, you. Sweet dreams.