For a while, we sat there just staring at each other. You spoke first, breaking the silence. It's always you, always urging and prodding me to open up to you. We talked for a while, about things that have been plaguing my mind these past few days. We left out the what ifs this time and thought out contingency plans and maybe just for a moment, I could believe that it was really happening.

It makes me sort of sad when people expect me to be a certain way when they know i'm something else. Their comments hurt a lot more than they should. I suppose that's an indication of how weak I am because if I were stronger they wouldn't matter to me at all right? But everything matters to me.

There's a defiant voice in my head screaming right now.

I'm not weak, it says.
I don't trust myself enough to disagree with it.

Recently, I've been questioning my happiness. I feel blinded when I'm happy, blinded by optimism. When I'm high, it almost feels like nothing can get me down. Every single bad memory's been wiped from my mind. But those highs never last very long.

Vice versa when I'm sad.

I don't know how I can stop the things you saying from hurting me, even if that's not your intention. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I'm a fuck up. I can barely keep my goldfish alive for more than a few days, let alone a relationship.

How can I run away from something that's been ingrained in me since my childhood? The only reason why I've been saying the same thing over and over again is because I foresee only misery for you if you carry on. I don't care if I'm miserable. After all, you've pointed out that I've been this way since you first met me.

Sadness is an inescapable part of me. 

You say you're happy now. My problems will slowly ebb away at your love till there's nothing left but hate. You'll forget why you even stayed so long in the first place. And when you do speak of me, you'll only remember how caustic my words were. Your resilience will erode and you and I will die, slowly and painfully. Why should I let it get to that point?

I asked you if you wanted to save me from my misery and you told me yes. I so badly wanted to believe that you could do that but the truth is that you can't do it. No one else can do it for me. The only thing you can do is leave me alone to see if I can do it on my own.

In the end, my insecurities will chase me wherever I go.
What if the best option right now is to be alone?

For an hour, we laid on the hard wooden floors as our heads rested on our bags. We talked about things, sad and real. It takes a lot for her to open up so I'm happy when she actually does. It's only when I'm alone with my best friends do I then realise why I love them so much.

Honestly, I don't know what it'd be like without my little cow.

Star watching was therapeutic. When you gaze up to the heavens, how could not contemplate your life? It gives me the kind of odd feeling that there's always something more, something far out of my reach. It makes me feel small and insignificant. It put things in perspective. My problems seem so much less daunting than I thought they were. It's a good thing. It's like I'm part of a bigger idea. In a way, we're one huge constellation, connected by intangible things like love.

It's December so it's time for self reflection.
Maybe I'll elaborate on these more next time.

1. I am too self-indulgent. 
2. I'm an emotional eater. 
3. I've taken my relationships for granted.
4. I can't love anyone properly.
5. I cannot sort out my priorities.

1. new bag
2. pair of sturdy shoes
3. make new glasses
4. cut and dye hair
5. new guitar
6. clothes rack


Can't wait for Friday when Danial finally comes back.
I miss him already.
I need to head to the beach soon.
If only it'd stop raining over here.
Bad weather makes me feel kinda sad and pensive.