Sometimes I wish there was a manual for this. There probably is but it's probably full of bullshit. I've been reading up on this and it tells me that just because I argue with him a lot, it isn't real. I piss him off a lot and I get angry for the silliest reason but at the end of the day, I'm still willing to try. Truth is, I can't imagine it being anymore real without the fights. How do you love someone when the both of you are always happy? When things start to sour, that's when you see how people really are.

Now listening: Tarantula - Spirit Tramp

Today, he rolled up his sleeves and showed me his bare arms so that I could see the scars of his  childhood. He told me stories of his past. It made me sad but as always, he had a smile playing on his lips. Sometimes I think it's a defense mechanism for him so that people can't see what he's really like. 

So he basically took care of me the whole day.

I take him for granted. It's not that I don't realise the things he's done for me, it's just that it takes time for me to realise. Sometimes I need to step back to open my eyes. He's dealt with my moodswings and attitudes. We could be fighting but everytime I start to cry, he holds me and tries his absolute best to make it better. I feel so safe with him. He gives me so much and does so much for me and I still put him through a lot of bullshit.

I really believe in horoscopes for some reason. Personality wise, it's pretty spot on. For me, it's assuring to think that your life has been mapped out by the stars and planets which are billions of light years away. And why do I think it's assuring? It kinda means that I am here for a reason. Something was planned for me and I'm not just another lost soul wandering through life.

Venus in Pisces (nature in love)

Once again, astrologers call Venus in Pisces “a dreamer, a romantic, an idealist.” Along with Cancer, Pisces is one of the more starstruck of the signs — a person who lives for love. But Pisces, as opposed to other signs, wants real love — not a love. With Venus in Pisces, you want a partner to be your perfect match. That means best friend, lover, and everything to you. You also want him (or her) to feel the same way about you. Though you can be absolutely gaga in love, work and timing are also very important to you. Every element has to be right for you to go through with love … not just one component. Love must be integral and seemingly your destiny. You instinctively know the second you meet someone if you would be a good match together. 

Mercury in Aquarius (communication style)

You vary from being loquacious when you're interested in something to going silent when you're not. No one knows what's going to come out of your mouth. One thing, though, is that you're never vulgar. You have an inherent elegance that comes out in your speech, a basic goodness that's hard to deny. People want to talk to you and confide in you. You can put someone at ease with a few choice words. This is your gift. Though you may be an open person, you're very careful with what you say. You never want to pressure anyone because you don't like it when they do the same to you. 

take me to your heaven.

Made a cup of milk tea.

I microwaved a glass of already hot water with a teabag submerged and of course, the whole thing bubbled over and made a mess in the microwave. I am a storm in the kitchen. Not the good kind of storm. I'm the bad kind, the kind that destroys everything.

But I fixed it.

♥

So I've finally decided that I will not let this negativity overwhelm me and ruin what I have in front of me. Everytime I think of you, I get happy. Everyone needs a person they can count on who just knows when things are not okay. You're that person. And I know that you'll always do your best to get to what's eating away at my heart and then try to chase it away.

"Understand, that god wrapped you like a bow." 

I always have my back turned on tomorrow. I keep glancing back at the past, yours and mine. I know I shouldn't but the past has a greater pull than the future. I think it's because the past is real and all the future ever will be is a faraway possibility. But if you have a good imagination, anything can happen right?

I am ready for this, ready to take the bull by the horns (get it? *nudgenudge*). I know you're not ready to tell me what I want to hear but it's okay. I've never had much faith but I believe in this. And maybe you do deserve better than me, but you're still here. You picked me. So I am going to give you my best and love you as much as I possibly can.

That means less psychotics, less neuroticism, less anger, less jealousy.
A little more hope, more understanding, more control, more compromise.

I'm going to shed my troubles and worries.
Hold my breath and take a leap of blind faith.