It's 4am and I'm still trying to do some work.
I barely have any motivation at all.
My GPA is going to suffer so badly.
And all I can do is just deal with it.

Oh holy baby turnips. I'm so tired.

Half a year has gone by. 6 months.
Instead of drifting apart and getting bored of you,
I'm just clinging to you like a koala on a eucalyptus tree.

He's so misunderstood sometimes.
My misunderstood eucalyptus tree.
People have this idea of him from the way he looks and acts.
But he's not like that, not with me.

I moodswing a lot. Even though it's wrong and it's something I'm working on, turn him into my emotional punching bag sometimes. He's strong enough to deal with it. Understanding enough to not get pissed off sometimes. I don't think any other guy can handle it as well as he can.

He'll say the sweetest things at the oddest of times. If I'm not wrong, it's usually on buses. I don't know why, we can go to a restaurant and he won't say anything about it. But get him on a bus and he's suddenly inspired.

He always buys me food when I'm sad. Like, I don't even have to ask him and he just buys milk tea and cookies for me and then listens to me vent while I eat. Om nom nom.

I could go on but I think I've grossed out enough people as it is.

I didn't think it would happen but it's gotten to the point where we can read each other's minds and finish each others' sentences. Which is kinda cool but also kinda scary cause I don't want it to get to that point where we're one of those couples that are like conjoined at the hip and they pretty much mash up into one singular identity.

That's just disgusting.
But we're on our way.

My burdens seem lighter to carry when you're holding my hand.

The world is full of evil people who want to make money off of strangers' misery.

You know that feeling inside when something bad has happened? For me it's like a cold feeling starting from your chest and then slowly spreading throughout your whole body. Like that feeling when you feel like you've done badly on a test and when you get back your results, it's a confirmation of all your worst fears.

That's what I felt when I saw the back window of my dad's car smashed in. All the little glass pieces were all over the floor and car seats. All I could think of was "oh fuck..." and I didn't really have to look to check if my laptop was still there. I knew it was gone.

It was pretty much all I had been worrying about for the whole trip. We'd driven to Penang and back and we had plenty of rest stops in between. Is it ironic that nothing happened until we were just an hour away from Singapore?

I miss my laptop and my wallet and my bag.
I tried to sleep but I can't.
There's so much to do now that everything's gone.

I'm not much for material things but omg my laptop ):
It's not even fully paid for yet.
All my schoolwork and shit.
Ah fuck la.

All I can tell myself is that I will never let this happen again and that it could be way worse than it is now. For the first time in a long time, I really can't sleep. Never felt so restless before.

I'm currently in Malaysia.

Late night car rides are so lovely. Especially in places where I can gaze into the distance. In Singapore, my vision is always obscured by buildings. Last night, I happened to glance skyward and I caught the most breathtaking sight ever.

The stars shine brighter away from the city.
And there were so many of them.
There are a lot of things I can appreciate when I'm in a car for 12 hours.

Looking at the sky, reaffirms my decision to move away from Singapore.
Maybe to somewhere I can see the sky at night.

I'm leaving tomorrow but then I'll be back here within the month for Chinese New Year.
Oh penang.

Despite my bad luck, I still have the tendency to think that I'm lucky and that nothing majorly bad will happen to me. Now I know that this will be my downfall. I'm not infallible. I'm only human. Hands shaking, hearts racing, eyes wide open. It's been plaguing my mind for a while now and yours too.

I'm sad and ashamed of myself. It bothers me that I'm growing up. With that, comes confusion. I'm not a little girl but I'm not a woman either. I keep bombarding myself with questions that I cannot answer. Is this right? Is it okay to do something if I'm only hurting myself? People will judge my actions based on the way they see me. Not on my intentions, not on whether I am ready to make such huge decisions.

A few more days. Don't let me wait any more than I should because I will hurt so badly. Feelings will creep into my heart and poison me and I'll turn black from the inside. I will rot and then no one will stay with me anymore. Not only will I feel alone, I'll truly be alone.



I will persist on but I need you by my side.
I'm clinging so much harder to you these days.



If I were to count my weaknesses one by one, there'd be too many. But I'd tell you that my emotional tendencies are not one of them. I am ruled by my heart. It is in this way that I function. If it should be any other way, I highly doubt I would be with the people I love right now.

Take chances and you'll be happy.
Be honest. Be brave. Be open.

Because change is needed in order to give you a little push or a little shift in our mundane lives. Why should you wait for something to happen to you? Get up, go out and look for it.

-

My dear, I am hyperaware of what great amount of stress you are going through right now. I love you and plenty of people do, trust me. Don't be afraid to speak to me. I would feel worse if I did not know what was going on. Sometimes I look at you and I'm suddenly brought to realise how strong you really are. You bear the weight of your worries daily and still manage to carry on with your head held high. I am so proud of you, my dear. Please continue staying strong. I will always be here to listen. Really, always.

You might feel alone but you are never alone when you choose not to be.

-

This is hard.
The year's barely started
but I'll take this as a sign
that each year from here on out will get worse.
It'll be harder to handle but a new year,
is a new year.

And anything can happen.

01

I've been thinking about religion for a while. Not one in particular, just on a whole. I guess some people might think I'm lost and maybe I am. And then some people might offer me a path by means of a religion but I'd politely decline. Sometimes I feel that there's something wrong with me because of my doubt and my unwillingness to believe in a god and a set of rules which were crafted thousands of years ago.

But I feel like I'm very spiritual, even if I'm not religious.

Should I need guidance, I look to my inner self. I have a moral compass, I know what's wrong and right. I know what it takes to be a good person, to have good intentions, to understand, to help and of course, to love. It should be enough for this life because there are worse things out there.

02

I woke up from an awesome dream today. I dreamt of a zombie apocalypse.

We're shut in this tall building while the rest of the world suffers outside. I imagined we were safe but I've learnt not to trust humans. Sometimes they're just as bad as the monsters. All I remember is glass walls. There's so much fear inside of me that I feel like I'm going to burst. I'm taking your hand and running away. Suddenly, I'm alone in a descending glass box looking outside while the city burns. I felt a part of me burn away with the city and the hollow husks of people that once were. 

Woke up wide awake and satisfied with my dream.
It's a fucking zombie apocalypse.
Of course, it's good.

03

2012 got me to admit to the handfuls of bad habits I've been clutching to. All of it has to stop. I've been making and breaking promises to myself for years. It's probably because I'm lazy as fuck with zero willpower. Recipe for a fat girl. Get it? Recipe? Fat? Ha. Okay nevermind.

2013 will be the year everything changes.

If not for the fact that my insecurities are acting up and smacking me right in the face, I'd probably still stay the same. I know everyone gets this way sometimes but really everytime I look at a skinny girl it's like a smack to the face. I love my body sometimes but recently I've been feeling like shit about myself and I hate it.

I hate feeling like there's something wrong with my body.

04

I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like. Is it different for everyone or are they all fundamentally the same? I honestly shouldn't be bothered about all this. I must be doing something right if I'm happy.

05

I'm pretty sure my grades will actually plummet this semester. It's terrifying.

06

O level results are out tomorrow and I'm freaking out cause my sister is freaking out as well. I really hope she does get into the course she wants.

07

I worry constantly for the people I love. I wonder if they worry about me too. I feel that if your problems don't affect the ones who love you, then maybe they don't really love you at all.

08

I'm terribly sleepy. Good night all.

I haven't been blogging regularly.

My last draft was about 2012 but I've decided that I'm not going to post it at all. Maybe it's because it was just too personal. I'd been going through my old blog posts and it got me a little thoughtful and sad. It reminded me about a lot of stuff that I didn't want think about anymore. Believe me, it's not because I regret anything I did. If I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing. It's just that those times are gone now and there's no point looking back.

Before you think that 2012 was a shit year for me, you're wrong. I have tons of stuff I'm grateful for but  I'll keep most of those happy things to myself.

Going into 2013, I'm grateful for:

My family, need I say more?

My friends, who've stuck by me who have been unchanging constants in my life when things start to get chaotic. Sze Eng, JM, Gabriel, Anthea, Razis, Lenice, Kelila, May Fan, Aiyin, Magdelene. I don't have much more to say other than I love them.

Him, because I am learning so much from him. Being with someone takes effort and it takes compromise and communication and so much more. And I think I've never fully grasped that concept until now. I had this childish notion that love would just happen and it'd be perfect right away. But I know better now. He's making me want to be better, to be someone who deserves to be loved properly.

This year I've had a lot of trouble making time for these three people and the order above isn't necessarily in the order of importance. I'm going to change that this year.