moved.

moderndaymisery.wordpress.com

Hey, it's fucking July already.

When I look at you, my mind goes somewhere vast. 
Years, maybe. 
A pure thought, undiluted by fear. 

I never worry when I'm with you, when your presence is right beside me.
5am in mcdonalds, sitting across from you with a medium green tea between us.
Talking about you, me, us, stupid things, important things, the past, the future.

We spent so much time wishing that the both of us had a little extra money to spare.
But nights like these are proof that you don't need money or material goods to be happy.

All you need is the right company.

Happy 11th month, Danial.

Been a while since I last wrote.

I feel like I've been physically absent from places. I know people need me now for certain things but I'm being selfish and thinking about my own troubles first. It's time to stop because there are things that need to be done.

Been through a lot but there are people going through worse, always.
And no, I don't want to talk about it.


Went to music matters live at clarke quay on vesak day and had a lot of fun.
Met up with Danial first and then Emman and his friends (:

I feel like I'm the only one calling him Emman when everyone else is calling him Manu

Initially we came just to watch Boyce Avenue and Faber Drive but then I had this really strong urge to watch the band before boyce. So I dragged Danial over to the stage. I didn't know anything about this band at all, just that their name was Fairchild and that they were from Australia.


holy shit, when they started playing.

They were fucking good live and their music made me feel like dancing. The lead singer's voice, the lyrics, the melodies, everything was so amazing. Danial left halfway to drink with Emman so I was alone in the crowd, absorbing every pulsing beat they put out. I think no one even heard of them before this but I'm pretty damn sure that they'd get more than a few fans after this show. By the end of their set, I was in love.

Danial came back just as their set was ending, pushing his way through the growing crowd to get to me. Caught Boyce Avenue before getting bored and walking off to Fern & Kiwi so that we'd catch Faber Drive.



Walked around and couldn't find the fucking place and by the time we actually got there, the place was packed as hell and we were at a shitty spot at the back. Highlight of their set was when they covered locked out of heaven, which Danial enjoyed thoroughly. And then the crowd was going crazy for the last song, tongue tied.

Got back to Emman, lepak, drank a little and then decided to go to McD's at liang court to get some grub. On our way there, these group of angmoh guys walked past us and I stoned for a moment before realising that they were the guys from fairchild. They were already quite a distance away when Danial asked if we wanted to go talk to them. Decided not to and carried on to mcdonald's all depressed and stuff.

But OH MY FUCKING GOD, they were in the 7/11 next to the mcdonald's in liang court! D: I was a little tipsy by that point of time. I wasn't sure if I was heady from the alcohol or from them being in front of me. Danial talked to them cause I was speechless and I didn't want to say anything stupid.

I got a hug from the bassist (tommy) and the vocalist (adam) !!! They are so friendly, I swear. They like said sorry for being all sweaty and smelly but I didn't care. And they asked where we were going and stuff. And by this point both me and Dan's phones were dead so Dan took a picture of me and the band on Adam's phone and Adam gave us a namecard for us to email them for the photo.


*spaz*

Got green Tea from McD and I couldn't stop smiling after that.

So at 2 in the morning, we walked from Clarke Quay to Raffles City to City Hall and then to MBS. Snapped pictures along the way, with dan's camera which he forgot was in his bag. I wish we had bikes though. Caught quite a few kids cycling around town and even through MBS, it looks so damn fun. I'm gonna try it one day.

It was a strange thing to see tall empty buildings with no one around or in them. It makes me feel tiny and alone in the world. I start to get paranoid that everyone died and that I'm the only person alive right now. But I had the boy with me so everything was all good.

Slept at the goddamn foodcourt at MBS till we took the first train home.



Current obsession.
soooo goood.
shivers.

Labels: Boyce Avenue, Faber Drive, Fairchild, Music Matters Live 2013, Singapore

These words are not the words I want to write. 
But I'll learn to keep my mouth shut for once. 

It's nice to not let the poison seep through to others once in a while. 

There are reasons why I hate taking the last train home. 

Extravagant displays of love make me slightly sick.

It just proves how superficial teenagers are these days.

Love of my life. Forever. Once in a lifetime. 

Ugh. No. Please stop.

Okay, I should stop being a bitch.

I resent the fact that there are things I cannot enjoy at this very moment.

Like watching the moon from the banks of a river somewhere in Europe. Granted, it's random. But the moment the thought passed my mind, my heart ached for it. It's 6am in the morning and I'm longing to be somewhere other than where I am now.

I'm wondering whether it's romantic to want to have you all to myself. I'll steal you away and hide ourselves from the world in a cosy little cottage somewhere far from here. I'd wake up beside you everyday and we'd take turns making each other breakfast. Then we'd laze around in bed all day. Or I would. And you would hate that because you'd wanna get up and actually do something.

Now that it's all typed out, it sounds borderline psychotic. Ha.

I lost my wallet in school on friday /: Deep down inside, I really believe that someone will return it to me on monday. But I know that this is life and life is cruel and pisses even on honest people who work hard to make a living. And I'm not even a good person so maybe I won't get it back at all. No harm in hoping right?

Danial bought milk tea for me afterwards to console me and bought me a train ticket home. Plus, he tried to give me $10 so I would have money for food if I needed it but I declined. And he surprised me by lending me his camcorder! So at least the night ended off on a good note.

I wish all the karma points I've racked up could help me now.

That said, it's been a terrible two weeks of school but I'll get my shit together and good things will happen. There's so much to be done right now. And I will get them done. I really don't want to let my group down. And I feel rather lonely recently.

Oh yeah, I'm damn excited about this! It's been a week of exercising and eating healthily that I managed to lose 3kg D: holy bliddy hell. But it's probably just water weight and not actual fats so I have to keep going. Baby steps, bitches. And I'm buying sport shoes tomorrow so I can finally run properly (:

A random blogpost deserves a random end off.

5 is a really pretty number.

Spent half of the time in cca practice outside on the hard concrete ground, talking over bottles of breezer with edwin, yaoxing and danial. Spent the next half in the cca clubroom jamming and listening to music with them. It was a good night in school. One night to lepak before I have to get back to rehearsals for the impressario competition.

I'm stressed but all I want to do is deliver a solid performance. Of course, I want to win but if we don't, I won't kill myself.

One thing I'm super glad about is that me and jm are getting somewhere with music. In this duo, I'm the one giving less than she's given me but I'm glad that she's stringing me along on this ride. Heh. I'm getting more experience performing on stage and getting more confident about my voice. Hopefully, after this competition is over, we can finally go back to doing covers and recording some of her original songs.

It's a nice thing to move forward, even if it's just a little bit.

Songs I'm listening to now

1 day old hate - city and colour
2 paradise - coldplay
3 memories - panic at the disco
4 contagious chemistry - you me at six
5 tip of my tongue - the civil wars

I've decided that I'm going to write down everything nice that's ever happened this year and put it into a box so that when I feel sad, I can look at it and not feel like a complete loser. It's already march so that means a quarter of the year has gone by. What am I doing with my life?

My sister bought watercolours for me when I said I wanted to learn how to paint with watercolours. She's getting sweeter and becoming nicer towards me when I feel like I'm neglecting her and my family much more recently because I'm paying much more attention to my friends.

I had a much longer post than this. There were a lot of other things I wanted to say but I feel that rather than posting them and releasing hate into the world, I'll just keep it as a draft. I must let go of these ugly emotions.

Here's to tomorrow, not yesterday.

I'm currently on a bus that I have never taken before. It was on impulse. Just the same reason why I bought a new book.

Slowly, as I'm getting more familiar with places in singapore, everything is slowly coming together to form one giant picture.

I wish I could just get on buses drop off wherever I want to and just explore for a bit.

If only the weather weren't such a bitch.
If only I had more money for transport.
If only I had more time.

Been spending more time alone lately. I foresee this becoming a regular thing because my cash is slowly depleting away and the boy's having his internship.

Maybe I'll stay go out one day, just to have an adventure with my camera. There are a lot of things that you don't notice when you're with someone else. Part of your attention gets taken by that person and you're less aware of your surroundings.

I see so many pretty things when I'm alone.

I start to type and then backspace when I feel like the meaning of the sentence is not going in the direction I intended it to. I firmly believe that words, whether spoken or written, should have meaning behind them. I truly feel that people should hold their tongues more. If people were as careless as you with their words, the world would be a much unhappier place than it already is.

It's here again. I start to welcome that feeling like a cold, familiar friend. The old friend that you intensely dislike but know so well. It starts slowly. One tiny comment that sets me off, I'm not angry or sad but I let it eat away at me till it conquers me. I change. I find it addictive to infect him with my unhappiness. Whether it was his intention to make me angry does not matter. All I want to do is to make someone feel as terrible as I do, in this moment.

It's 3am and I'm starting to question why I even need sleep like everrrr.

It's at this timing that I usually start to get weird thoughts. I get sad that I can't listen to and appreciate every good song that's ever been made out there. Now I'm thinking about how many songs I have committed to memory. Is there an infinite space for memories that we keep?

Stop thinking, Jasmine.

It's gone and made me sad. I was angry that I could ever give that much of myself to anyone. In the beginning, I was wishing and praying so hard for at least some sense of control over my feelings. It was like someone had tossed me into the ocean and I was just thrashing about in the waves, moved by the current against my will while I'm trying to find something to hold onto. All I wanted to do was think of you a little less. Sometimes it felt like I was going insane. I saw you in my head too much, too often. I needed just a bit of sanity to hold on to but it never came. Slowly, I let myself dissolve into you, let myself drown in those emotions. You told me it was okay.

It's starting to wane away, that insanity. Passion. Lust. Lunacy. Whatever you want to call it, I feel it going away, like the fading light when night comes. Which is not to say that I don't love you anymore. It's going to be okay in the end, I believe in that whole-heartedly. All I'm doing now is waiting, waiting for that storm to come. As scary as it sounds, I want to feel unhinged and demented in love again.

Life has made me into a cynic. It gave me a wicked, twisted sense of love.

"Love is patient. Love is kind."

No one says love is terrible. But it is. It's crazy. It's letting go. Trusting someone so much that they can do whatever they want with your feelings. They twist and tug and you're hurt but you don't feel the pain, just cause you're so into them. Everything they do feels good. No one tells you that love can turn you into a monster. It makes you conflicted, wondering why someone you've given your heart to can still rip into you like the caustic words of your worst enemy. You wonder why they cause the greatest harm, the deepest scars, when they're supposed to make you happy. Love is ugly. It's us being the absolute worst version of ourselves but still being loved by someone because they remember that you're actually pretty awesome most of the time. Love is fear. Worrying if you're enough, if you keep them happy, if they want more or if they want something different. It's terrifying.

And I'm not talking about crushes, by the way.

Love is the mutual understanding that you care deeply for each other. It's the stories from your childhood that you told him. Like the time that your uncle called you fat when you were 11 and you just ran into the room crying. It's the moment that you clear the lump in your throat, take a deep breath and spill your secrets. It's the warmth you get when he takes your hand when it's cold. It's their scent. It's recognising the different kinds of smiles they have. It's prodding them when they're sad and need someone to ask them if they're alright so it won't seem like they're burdening you with their problems. It's seeing the physical part of them melt away until all you see is goodness on the inside. Love is knowing that there are a million ways to tell someone you love them. It's when you press your faces together, so close that the other person becomes a blur of colours and you can't focus on anyone part of them. All you can do is feel their closeness.

It's a whole spectrum of emotions. It's imperfect and flawed because humans love and humans are imperfect and flawed. Love is something that I don't want to think about anymore. It's burnt up my last brain cell and I'm so goddamn tired from thinking, being sad, wanting to cry and typing all this out. Hell knows if it even makes sense to anyone at all.

It's so late/early that I can hear birds outside the window.

End of February.

The closing of my favourite month of the year. Good shit happens in February. At least, to me. But I've had to deal with some things as well.

This month has taught me to cling to my friends and people who love me. Now that it's the holidays, I can finally give them my undivided attention. It's a weird sort of feeling. I wanna just hug all of them at once, hug them so hard that they just disappear inside my chest and stay in my heart. It's an odd way of saying I love them.

My birthday was awesome thanks to them. Danial, Halal Pork Club plus Wee, Jam Bread and Tea, Sze Eng. I honestly don't wanna type all of my birthday stuff out because I tend to keep happy things to myself so that I can bask in happiness till it wears off.

In addition to that, I've also learnt that there are certain people in this world who are truly mean and not worth loving. Cowardly, lying, self-pitying, tantrum throwing child with a warped idea of what love is. You will never know what being truly sorry means. You fuck up, apologise, get forgiven and then screw them over again. Nope, it doesn't work like that.

I let someone in, only to have them look around and stab me in the heart when I wasn't looking. I hope I'll never be so blind and careless with my heart again.

Thank god, I have Danial now.

Done with my rant.
Back to other trivial matters.

My money is depleting. I'm upset. I'm left with less than a hundred dollars in my bank acc. I will start saving already. Thank god. I'm still left with money from cny in ringgit. But I'm gonna change it into money to spend for my macau/china/hongkong trip in march! I'm excited :)

It makes me kinda afraid that we're falling into routine. I don't know why I need you with me all the time but I do. Maybe it's killing us from the inside. It's alright, internship will force us apart and teach us a thing or two on what it's really like to miss someone. 10 more days, sweetheart.

I'm boring. I need to find something to so again. I'm gonna pick up writing again and start cooking. Also run more with Gab and JM. I can fucking do this. Maybe I'll pick up an interest in serial killers too. Not like being one, just reading about their cases. Sounds fun enough.

I'm easily influenced and I've started to pick up some of the terms that the boy has been using. We're starting to sound alike #ohno

I've been struggling for self-control for quite some time now. I'm way too indulgent. Been giving in to my emotions and temptations. I want a firm grip on my feelings. I can handle myself, I just need to learn how. I will not be afraid anymore.

I think I've accepted that I'm a little but psychotic and awkward at times. Which makes a stellar combination. As you can clearly see. I'm kidding, if you didn't get it (but no, really. I'm fucking awesome)

7 is a lucky number.
It's been good to us.
Let's make 8 great.
Ha, it rhymed.

And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now
Is it over how hey, hey, it's not over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first love
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time

I haven't been blogging much lately because of school and assignments for the past two weeks. So here's a list of random things.

1 There's practically no more school
2 My law exam is next week
3 I have money from CNY, the hardest thing is to keep it
4 Got into the finals for the Impressario Vocal Group Competition!
5 My idea of family is slowly shifting in my head.
6 I'm going to eat healthier (less fried food and more veggies)
7 And go walking/running too
8 Watched beautiful creatures (:
9 Spent valentines day in clubroom with JM, Bryan and Danial and watched a horror movie
10 Finally learnt how to sing with emotion (awwww yeahhhh)
11 I'm going to learn some self-control
12 I will get my shit together
13 Spent a hour sitting on a bench at the platform of City Hall MRT talking to the boy about love
14 MY PARENTS GOT ME A MACBOOK FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
15 It honestly keeps slipping my mind that my birthday is coming omg.
16 I need to study
17 I'm done with presentations (:
18 I will miss the Ching Chongs so badly
19 I'm having a picnic with the gang tomorrow!
20 I've decided to be happy
21 Tomorrow's my special day and this is my favourite number.

I'll miss tonight.

When you told me that kissing me felt like the first time we ever did, six months ago.

When we shared an earpiece, held each other and danced to the Civil Wars on the train platform.

The first talk in a long time about our fears for the future. We've been seeing each other everyday but we haven't really been there. After so much shit this week a long talk with you feels like home.

My heart feels full. It's swelling with happiness and I finally feel alright in a long time.

It's 4am and I'm still trying to do some work.
I barely have any motivation at all.
My GPA is going to suffer so badly.
And all I can do is just deal with it.

Oh holy baby turnips. I'm so tired.

Half a year has gone by. 6 months.
Instead of drifting apart and getting bored of you,
I'm just clinging to you like a koala on a eucalyptus tree.

He's so misunderstood sometimes.
My misunderstood eucalyptus tree.
People have this idea of him from the way he looks and acts.
But he's not like that, not with me.

I moodswing a lot. Even though it's wrong and it's something I'm working on, turn him into my emotional punching bag sometimes. He's strong enough to deal with it. Understanding enough to not get pissed off sometimes. I don't think any other guy can handle it as well as he can.

He'll say the sweetest things at the oddest of times. If I'm not wrong, it's usually on buses. I don't know why, we can go to a restaurant and he won't say anything about it. But get him on a bus and he's suddenly inspired.

He always buys me food when I'm sad. Like, I don't even have to ask him and he just buys milk tea and cookies for me and then listens to me vent while I eat. Om nom nom.

I could go on but I think I've grossed out enough people as it is.

I didn't think it would happen but it's gotten to the point where we can read each other's minds and finish each others' sentences. Which is kinda cool but also kinda scary cause I don't want it to get to that point where we're one of those couples that are like conjoined at the hip and they pretty much mash up into one singular identity.

That's just disgusting.
But we're on our way.

My burdens seem lighter to carry when you're holding my hand.

The world is full of evil people who want to make money off of strangers' misery.

You know that feeling inside when something bad has happened? For me it's like a cold feeling starting from your chest and then slowly spreading throughout your whole body. Like that feeling when you feel like you've done badly on a test and when you get back your results, it's a confirmation of all your worst fears.

That's what I felt when I saw the back window of my dad's car smashed in. All the little glass pieces were all over the floor and car seats. All I could think of was "oh fuck..." and I didn't really have to look to check if my laptop was still there. I knew it was gone.

It was pretty much all I had been worrying about for the whole trip. We'd driven to Penang and back and we had plenty of rest stops in between. Is it ironic that nothing happened until we were just an hour away from Singapore?

I miss my laptop and my wallet and my bag.
I tried to sleep but I can't.
There's so much to do now that everything's gone.

I'm not much for material things but omg my laptop ):
It's not even fully paid for yet.
All my schoolwork and shit.
Ah fuck la.

All I can tell myself is that I will never let this happen again and that it could be way worse than it is now. For the first time in a long time, I really can't sleep. Never felt so restless before.